Scared – A Reflection on Working as Digital Content Producer

Hi, assalammu’alaikum.

Hope you guys are doing great! Alhamdulillah, I’m doing great as well. Married life is awesome! Whohoo. Yeap. And I bet you guys have been succesfully annoyed by me, that keeps on updating cheesy sweet stuff, but hey, I am really feeling great, so they say, kasi chance a bit la.

It’s been a while since I last write properly. Like proper, proper. Haha. Define proper you’d say. Proper, for me would be writing a series of complete sentences, with correct grammar and as much of widely use and top notch vocabulary.

Yes, be it Malay or English, I haven’t been writing in both languages. And imagine how sad it is, a writer didn’t write. Imagine how torturous it is for me to not being able to express what I am feeling, with the tool that I have always been able to do so.

I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I am with the love of my life, my husband, who has always believed in me, never once he doubted me and I am beyond grateful for that. Alhamdulillah.

So what happened? Okay, this is the thing that I feel that might go down.

You know I worked at a radio station as Digital Content Producer right. Yes, that happened.

As a DCP, I need to produce digital content for all of their social media platforms, from videos to articles, so I have to make videos and write articles on a daily basis. As well as their website on top of that. I was my first office job and I was in a lot of stress. Haha. Oh my naive self, keep on telling me that hey, it’s alright, this is just another job, everyone goes through this, stress at work.

I don’t know about other people thought, but I was scared. SCARED. Like I lost myself. I got stressed out, trying to meet expectations, till all I know is I need to make my boss happy and I’ll be a good employer.

At first I thought, I feel like this fully and solely because of me, well, I own up to it, like I am the one to blame, not my boss, no one else. But nope, everyone has some sort of effect to me. Yes, like how my emotional being got robbed, buy asking me to simplify my stuff. Like making me feel super insecure of myself. Kill my self esteem.

One thing for sure, truth is, sad but true, your boss don’t care and don’t give a damn about you. And you’re wrong, you’re so wrong if you think that they care. All that matters are likes on the pages, visits to the websites, so you can sell more ads and gain more money to the company. Stripped all meaning, all thoughts and basically leave you to the most simple mind and simple everything.

As a DCP, I have to take care of the social media platforms, and after leaving the company, I feel disgusted by social media and feel like I need a detox. I have never feel more happier not using my one phone. Me and Adib share a phone now, as Adib phone can runs 2 sims at a time, so we both are sharing a phone. Yes, at time it is inconvenience, but really, it cuts the screentime to half, and I aimed to get it close to zero as much as I can. I learned to not consume social media stuffs anymore and instead start reading, and writing, and claiming myself back.

For the past years, as we live in this day and age, being part of the social media world, has been a bliss and a cursed. Like why one earth do I feel like I have to follow this person, or this tweet, do this person mattters to me as much as I matters to them? Why do I care so much? But, coming back to DCP. I HAVE to be online on all this platforms, because I need to update them, and keep them ‘alive’ with content so all you people out there can consume it and stay in touch, cause you know what, we want you and your money, and your time, so you can then tune in, and see all our ads, and get the things that you don’t need but we tell you otherwise, and the cycle continues.

Okay, so here are the lessons that I have learned, that I want to share, well, at least, when I reread this in future, I will not bully myself again.

1) Don’t do things that you don’t want to do.

I know, you do it to survive and pay the bills Ezzah, but hear me out. You know yourself sooo well and you know when you reach the ceiling. When you feel chocked up and it kills you to wake up and get ready to go to work everyday. You deny it, consoling yourself, saying hey, it’s part of adulthood, chin up. But the repercussion is what you have to deal with now and it will take time to get back to who you are, and the creative bright and critical never give up self. It takes time to heal, and it’s good that you’re doing it now.

2) If you feel bullied, take a step back and see what’s bothering you. Don’t be submissive.

If you don’t like how they manipulate you, how they say A and expect B, how they talked behind your back. And of course you’d feel, hey, they’re your boss, they’re your supervisor, they ain’t gonna do that, they’re suppose to back you up. Nope, all your colleagues were the one who backs you up. The bosses, jumped on the bandwagon, and go all the way to lets-Ezzah-do-all-the-stuff-and-she’ll-be-fine-even-if-she-overworked-land. Ugh. I feel sick just thinking about how stupid I was. I would advice old Ezzah, get a grip babe. Chill for a bit. Whatever you do, they’re gonna be find, you’re the one who will be scared and you did.

3) Everything is business, everything is money, apparently thats what matters to them

Working as a DCP had thought me that everything that this media company do is sell you stuff that you don’t need so they can get richer and richer. Like so you hooked and tune in and you’ll consume the ads and all. And to a point where you kinda feel like it’s normal to stay online for hours. And working as a digital media manager, I have never feel more disconnected in my life. I say to myself, why am I here doing this thing every single day when I worked there, but in the end, at least I got to meet these beautiful people, with kind heart and brilliant minds.

So yeah, that’s what I feel like saying, for now, might spill more in near future. Thank you for reading. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones,

So long, till next time. Take care.

Ezzah Mahmud ❤


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